Thoughtful Thursday

Well, the Mama Guilt is on overload today.  My buttons are like a brand new touch mouse pad….so sensitive.  I am not sure what is going on, but Jakob and I have been battling for weeks.   We have our good days, and good moments, but for the most part we are not liking each other very much.  There are just a few behaviours that drive me up the wall, WHINING and BACK TALKING are at the top of that list.  Jakob has always been a whiner….he thinks that if he whines he will get what he wants. Not so much.  For some strange reason he has now decided that back talking is the way to go as well.  Again, not so much.  There are days that my tolerance for his behaviours is pretty high, but these last few days that is not the case.  I have spent more time yelling and arguing with him (I know, arguing with him is not the way to go), than I have loving on him.  This makes me feel so guilty.  I understand that this is just a few days out of a (hopefully) long life together, and that I shouldn’t let it get to me, that we all have these days….but it kills me.   

I want to have fun with my boys.  But it is hard for me to have fun with them when I don’t feel that they deserve it for acting poorly.  I am in a catch 22 position.  And here we are thinking about driving to the Jacksonville Zoo on Saturday….and Jakob has been misbehaving in school and he and I had a huge blow out this morning walking to school.  Do we still go?  Will he consider it a reward for his bad behaviour?  Or do we suffer for it too and stay home, knowing that it will be a rough day of whining that we didn’t get to go?

I need help.  I need a way to hold back my anger and not let this take over.  I need to figure out how to explain to Jakob that this behaviour wont be tolerated and that it is just disrespectful to talk to us like that.  I need to get back to parenting with love, not a raised voice and punishment.  I am taking any advice you may have for me.  Lay it on me, books, strategies, things that have worked for you, bribes, anything….please.  I feel desperate at this point.

Monkey Monday

Had a kinda crappy but enlightening end to our day today. I know that my "Monkey Mondays" have usually been light and fun...but not today, ok?

Jakob and I have been fighting a lot lately. Little things, silly things really, things that "wont make a difference tomorrow" (as my friend J says). Jakob gets his stubbornness from both Jason and I, and he has been exerting this inherited trait in excess this past week. It has been a rough week, with Jason gone to the field it gives me a chance to see what it is like to be a single mom, and is good practice for when he gets deployed this fall. And I am very sad to say that I am not handling it very well. My temper has been at an all time high, and my patience at an all time low. And I really hate myself for it. This road of motherhood is rough, and bumpy - very bumpy. I can only hope that at the end of this journey, when I am no longer behind the wheel on this road, that they are well adjusted, happy, generous, secure....everything - men.

Back to tonight. I have been getting very frustrated with him about going to bed. He just will not get up and go to the bathroom, brush his teeth, and get into bed. It's a battle each night. I shouldn't have to beg, bribe, or threaten him to do it. He needs to do what he is asked/told, as it is the same thing that happens each and every night. And it doesn't matter if he is tired or not, he battles it. Once he is in the bathroom it is smooth sailing, but leaving the living room is where we run into problems. And tonight I lost my cool...I had to literally drag him into the bathroom hoping that he wouldn't wake up Aiden (who goes to sleep like a dream). I hate it. I hate that I did that. And part of tonight's confession and truth is hormones, that time of the month, and part is because by admitting my shame I can bring it to light and truly deal with it. Raising my voice and seeing that scared look on his face shocked me into realizing just what I was doing, how I was treating him, how I was letting his stubbornness and "four year oldness" get me into a state of such uncontrol. Truly made me dislike myself.

It was rough to talk to Jakob about how sorry I was that I had hurt his feelings, that I didn't listen when I should have, and that I may have physically hurt him when I took him to the bathroom. He then started to cry and say how sorry he was for not listening. I apologized for all the fights we have been having, and he did the same.....and then there were some more tears, and more tears, and some more tears. But then there was some giggles, some talk about doing better and listening to each other, to "not do it any more Mama", to be nicer to each other. All this with a four year old...did he get it? I really believe he did.

I need to get a grip on the extra unnecessary stress in my life and get back to focusing on what is important. And that is my boys, and my relationship with them. I need the laughter to get back to being as contagious as it was in our house. Laughing heals. I have missed some of the 100 kisses and 50 I love yous of each day. I want to be proud of my parenting at the end of the day. I want to stop saying that "tomorrow will be a better day" - why can't every day be a great one? I need it to be. I am going to make it so.

So I am here promising to do better by my boys. They deserve it. And maybe I am being a little hard on myself, but if I am not, who will be? I want to be able to go to bed at night knowing that my boys had a great day and that they love their Mama not because they have to, but because they want to.

So there it is....my Monkey Monday for this week. I love my Monkeys. They are just down right awesome.

Hug your children, tell them you love them often, and smother them with kisses.

Take care,
Tania
Love BIG!!! Bake Often